Ah ma is Gone.
As if sipping a cup of good coffee, u were happily drinking it and reading your favorite novel, then the next time you put the brim upon your lips,and then u tilt your hands to allow the warm and smooth coffee to flow into your throat.....BUT there is not a single drop left. You will probably be like me. Felt a sudden pang of lost. Felt that you missed out the full experience of enjoying the coffee u held in your hands. Foolish enough to not appreciate the goodness of it. Stupid enough to be held away from it by the silly novel in your other hand. Never mind, after self blame,you know u can still order another cup or made another one.
That's coffee.Its gone,you can replace.
Ah ma is gone, nothing can replace her. The emptiness and sadness is overwhelming. i felt so rotten. No money and time can replace the lost. The grief gradually became unspeakable. My heart bled and i am sure was immensely crushed. My insides turned cold.
i need a retreat. To grief for her. To grief my lost. To grief part of my childhood care-giver. To grief what is there for me now. I hate myself for not doing enough.